The Plot Turns We’d Like to See for the Women of Mad Men

O tempora, o Madmen! It’s finally time for the final season and we have had a whole twelve months to speculate on what these characters, so familiar yet so remote, so lovable but often so infuriating, will be doing, and wearing, in these waning episodes.

Well, wonder no more! We have gotten hold of a pack of secret scripts, and are willing to divulge just a few of the fascinating plot turns you can expect to see starting Sunday night. As ever, it will be full of surprises. (But no musical numbers by dead guys—that was so last year.) This time around, you won’t believe it, but:

1. Little Sally, who lots of you probably think will go to Woodstock, will instead be visiting her ex-step mom, Megan, in L.A., and hitchhike to Altamont, where she will overindulge in psychedelics before being rescued by the barely older woman next to her, who turns out to be:

2. Stephanie Horton! Anna Draper’s niece, with her infant, the former clad in Coachella-worthy patchwork and fringe, the latter in a papoose. She will tell Sally who Don really is. Sally, stoned out of her mind and believing herself to be the illegitimate daughter of Tinkerbell and Jim Morrison, will not care.

3. Meanwhile, Megan will get her teeth fixed, then, immediately regretting this vanity, chuck her floaty elephant pants, her dangling earbobs, her silky lingerie, trading them for filthy—but sexy—jeans and tee. Following in the footsteps of her idol, Jane Fonda, she will take a leave of absence from her soap opera to climb on a tank in North Vietnam. (Her fluent French is a godsend in Hanoi; her Marxist dad is so, so proud.)

4. We will see the return of Sal Romano. (Remember him? In season three he was fired when the evil tobacco heir came on to him, then outted him to his bosses, leading Don to sneer “You people . . . ” before giving Sal the ax.) Anyway, Sal will leave his wife—they will stay best friends!—grow his hair long, trade his three-piece suit for a polyester onesie, and lead the charge at Stonewall, ripping a parking meter out of the pavement on Christopher Street and leading a chorus of his favorite ditty, “Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz,” from the back of a paddy wagon.

5. Don will finally fall in love with Peggy, his true soul mate. They will admit their mutual passion on August 26, 1970, as 50,000 people take to the streets in the Women Strike for Equality March, waving their fists up at the windows of Sterling Cooper. Joan Holloway, sick of being judged by her anatomy, and with her little boy in tow, will be in the front lines. Betty Draper Francis, fed up with her role as trophy wife and mother to three cynical, thankless children, will put on her best Villager shirtwaist and Pappagallo flats and take up a position in the rear. Peggy will not join in this militant revelry. When last seen, she is playing hooky from the office, hiding out in a dark movie theater, watching Putney Swope.